I don’t want to dwell too much on everything else I have already said here. Again. I am embarrassed and saddened to claim the truth about this following statement, but after much reflection I can say with confidence that 2013 was the hardest, saddest, and most challenging year of my entire three decades.
I am embarrassed to be saying this because I in my heart of hearts still don’t feel quite right that I had such an utter and complete mental and emotional fallout from an event that I deem to be “not a BFD” in the grand scheme of the world’s problems (and that “not allowing myself to feel my feelings for their own sake” is a whole ‘nuther thing I’ve got to work out as well).
I am saddened because I cannot believe I have merely “existed” for the better part of 7 months when I am in the prime of my life, healthy, successful, and–and here I’m going to work on another issue, which is accepting and believing compliments that others bestow upon me, so garsh darndit, this is going to sound conceited but I swear these are not my words–beautiful, funny, sexy, smart, young, strong, and brave. Brave, can you believe it? My friends and loved ones think I am all these things and more, and I feel like I have all of these inherent qualities and still wasted the last large chunk of my life, sad sad sad.
BUT…there is always a but…BUT 2013 is over. FINI. I have plans in the works to move me forward in 2014. I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I certainly cannot go back the way I came.
And while the overall tone of this post seems very dark and grey, I will leave you with the same well wishes I always have, three times before, on my end of year post. Because yes, during the midst of all this pain and crap and terrible terrible year:
I kept knitting like a champ;
I kept cooking yummy food;
I kept working out and even met big goals in the gym.
My body and brain know what to do; it’s the heart that needs to catch up.
So with that, I love each and every one of you, and from my heart to yours,
May your food be primal and delicious, your workouts be fulfilling and challenging, and your knit projects be snag-free!